Nostalgia, Volume 1

Remember when you actually had to pay $7.50 for a movie just to see one nude or sex scene? And if you could find the individual clips to download off the internet, your hard drive wouldn't be long for this world. Norton was rendered virtually useless.

My computer was toast and I saw Titanic 4 times in the theatre. That's right, Kids. I'm talking about that movie that was just rereleased in 3D. And unlike you pampered prima donnas, I didn't have the luxury of watching that one drawing scene on a loop from my laptop for free on Pornhub.

"I want to draw me like one of your French girls, wearing this - wearing only this." Every straight guy and likeminded female over 13 (it was rated PG-13 in the US and PG in Canada) was just hoping mom and dad had $7.50 a week plus popcorn and the time to drive to the Caprice every Saturday until the movie left theatres back in '97, early '98.

I went to a private evangelical school for 2 years in junior high, which is really where you send your kids if you want to be an abusive parent and get away with it legally. But apparently at this seminary, wearing polyester and knocking up your girlfriend so she's banned from the school for being a "bad influence" was fine as long as you're the captain of the basketball team, but cosplaying as a Backstreet Boy could get you expelled. "Why aren't you happy with your natural colour?" the principal's kid once asked me.

Wow, you logic-deficient dipshits are going to love it in 25 years when you realize that transgender people exist and there are a few more of them than even the most hippie leftie waiving the peace sign could have ever anticipated. But you'll find out when your repressed ass gets arrested for public solicitation.