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  • Writer's pictureThe Gimp

A Bit of Childhood Nostalgia

American Pie
American Pie

I don't know if your high school was like this, but having spent 2 years at an evangelical christian private school, I have to assume those late 90s kids didn't get out much. I was homeschooled until I was 16, so that was a given.

Pre-cell phones that could access porn sites, sext and make pancakes, kids would sit in Bible class and pray for a really windy day. With any luck, the power would go out for more than 15 minutes, and we'd be sent home.

Within seconds of everything going dark, there would be a unified cheer that you could hear from classroom to classroom. Things would get really interesting when the lights flickered. Then you'd get the ever-popular cheer followed by loud groans back to back. Those were my favourite. Especially if they happened more than once.

"Yeah! - Ohh! Yeah - Ohh!"

If you just heard the audio, it might have sounded like an orgy. In some cases, it wasn't far off.

It was a christian private school in Canada in the 90s, so kids had to amuse themselves somehow. Masturbation was discouraged but widespread. I remember at the end of my 2 year prison term, we spent the final day of school in chapel being coerced into receiving "promise rings." I had a buddy who joked that he wondered how long he could honestly wear one without busting a gut.

At the time, I was in the early stages of a year long romance and switching over to public school, so while I found the concept vaguely amusing, particularly given how many of the kids I knew weren't wearing white at their wedding (hopefully myself included) and the fact that the school was in the midst of a pregnancy scandal, which I suppose necessitated the promise ring intervention in the first place.

I actually joked the next time I saw my girlfriend about the "six inch rule" that the school loosely employed, and how some of the kids were going to have to figure their way around that stipulation. About 25% of the school observed such policies, and they were essentially deputized by the administration to be resident school rats. A few of our more popular female students were given the option of leaving voluntarily or be expelled because a male student who I guess had had his sexual advances rejected saw them smoking cigarettes in our small town.

At the time, my better half had frosted the tips of my hair boy band style and I and few other kids were on the hot-seat for that and ordered to change it back. I was a competitive swimmer, so within days, the blond had turned green, which created a whole new set of challenges for the school. But since I was on the way out anyway, my loyalty was to someone who wasn't going to leave me with Peter in my hand by the end of the weekend. I might have ended up looking like an easter egg a few times and my scalp burned a little, but ultimately, the reward was worth it.

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