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  • Writer's pictureThe Gimp

5 Ways The EON James Bond Went Wrong

I want to make it clear that this is not going to be a Daniel Craig diss-fest. As the titular Ian Fleming character, I enjoyed him in the role and having read the books, only he, Sean Connery and Timothy Dalton actually came close to the original characterization, for all those people who want the "real James Bond" and feel like Craig was Me-Tooed (spoiler: he wasn't) or was too blond for the role.

  1. James Bond does NOT wear bellbottoms! If we're going to get all insecure about the current characterization being surrounded by so many capable women, who wouldn't take a random slap lying down, we have to address this monstrosity. Fleming wrote the novels in the 1950s and early 60s. Bellbottoms weren't a thing then. So at least be consistent while you're being an insecure idiot.

2. James Bond isn't "nice." He's a borderline sociopath and narcissist with PTSD who abuses drugs and alcohol and chases after women and the finer things in life in order to distract himself from the messy job that he has to do. He's a government hitman at his core. He's also a human being. The Fleming novellas portray him as a narcissist who is constantly engaging in inner dialogue. He's more like a barely controlled Patrick Bateman than a 90s Pierce Brosnan. The real James Bond would beat up that male model in a tuxedo in half a second. The guy above is who James Bond is.

3. Just because he looks good in a tuxedo to some people, doesn't mean he's James Bond. Have you ever seen Remington Steele? She did all the work. He was the dumbass in distress.

4. What the hell is this? No, I'm serious. This is Austin Powers, right?

5. Really, Judy? It's Pierce Brosnan. Did you really need to go in so hard? If it was Connery, Moore or even Dalton, it would have made sense. In the real world, Sean Bean would have kicked his ass in half a second. And whenever he's in "peril," he always looks constipated.

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